Worth set from above

Once I caught that my worth was set from above, it changed me. It healed my heart. I no longer strive to achieve things not meant for me. I stopped trying to be something that I am not. I am not so many things. But I am things too. I am a beautiful wife(not currently) and mother, teacher and friend. I love God with all my heart. Which I thought might have been hard to do.

For a long time I wondered if I could love. If I could open my heart again. I had been hurt so many times. I thought that I was unloveable and that I wasn’t capable of true love either. And maybe I wasn’t. At least the unconditional love that I know now. I had to learn love. I had to learn all the ins and outs. How this love operated was not how the love that I knew operated. I hadn’t know this love. I wanted to. I wanted so desperately know this kind of love. Deep in my soul. I wondered if this kind of love existed.

Was I enough for someone? Would someone find me worthy and worth it?

My love, the love I knew did different things. It made you work for more. It made you seem like not enough, like you would always be reaching for more. Reaching for enough-ness. Always looking outside of you to prove your worth and value. To have something to point to. This love said “see here, I did something. I do things and I own things. I work. I am this and that.” This love was conditional. It ebbed and flowed. It was here one day and gone the next. It wasn’t stable and kind. It made you measure up. Constantly measuring you to your worth. I was exhausted. If I hadn’t “earned” it by now then I never would.

I wasn’t some famous, millionaire but I had gone to college and volunteered and lived selflessly. I had provided for my children and moved cities. I had started over again and again. After divorce, after each breakup or job end. Always looking forward to the prize. The place that I thought I had to be, to “get there”.

I was searching for my worth. Or at least running from what I thought my worth was set at. As a child I thought I was worthless unless I was doing something. I thought that my worth and value had to come from something. If I wasn’t cleaning or cooking then I was doing an activity or sport. I was meeting up with friends or hanging out with the family. I didn’t have any down time. There wasn’t value in it. I had to keep going. I had to fill this hole, this void that said I was not enough. As a young adult I ran hard at things. Often taking on too much, more than I could handle for sure. I thought that I had to be super women and nothing less. I couldn’t slow down, much less stop.

What was it all for? My friends didn’t think any less of me. I still got divorced anyway. I still had amazing kids and lived in beautiful homes. But this hole inside. Something I could not shake. This desire for more. For something to fill me. To tell me that I was worth it.

God lifts my eyes to meet His. He lifts my eyes off my situation. Off my works and what I can do and says “I set your worth”.

Your worth is set above.

That was it. His kind, gentle truth. None of these things decide your worth and value to me. “I set your worth”.