Trauma and the brain

My brain took over.

Anytime I was triggered I would revert back to the same old narrative and story line. “I’m not good enough, everyone hates me, I shouldn’t even try” This became my tag line. Anytime I failed I would remember that I wasn’t good enough. I would spiral into depression and lifelessness. I couldn’t handle the amount of pressure that life puts on you. Especially at such a young age. I became a mother very young and from there I have been relearning how to parent, how to become who you were meant to be. I spent years wandering through the wilderness, not knowing who I was and where I was going. Life seemed to bog me down. I was in constant fear of failure, fear of the past, fear of the future. I didn’t think I had what it takes to keep going. I would give up before I even tried. Even worse, I didn’t want to let anyone else see me fail, or try and fail. So I kept myself hidden. I kept my thoughts and burdens hidden. I pretending that I had it all together and would shape shift and make myself into anything that anyone wanted me to be.

I lacked boundaries and even seeing myself as good in the first place. You have to have boundaries to protect yourself but if you don’t think you are worth protecting then you won’t create those boundaries in the first place. This was where I was. I knew that I needed to set them, I knew that I probably deserved them but didn’t know how to do this. It all started with me. My relationship to myself. I had to fix this first. That’s why I always talk about finding yourself and healing that relationship dynamic. All other relationships will flow out of the relationship with yourself.

I have found this time and time again. My healing and progress has always moved in cycles. I would get a better image of myself and start building a life that I loved. I would be doing great and feeling great and then something would happen. I would have a phone call with my mother or lose my position at work. Something like this would spiral me back into all the old thought patterns and beliefs. I would feel worthless and not enough all over again. I would spend months not trying or not believing in myself. My relationships and parenting would suffer because of this. I didn’t know who I was without the external success or trying to be something I am not. These beliefs come from trauma. These experiences that shape us. The ones that tell us that we aren’t good enough for someone else. Those experiences make it hard to get over it or to keep trying. It’s hard to want to put yourself out there all the time when you are getting little in return. I know this first hand. My cycles always end with myself and begin there too. They begin and end with my self talk, belief in myself, my self image and who I think I am regardless of who sees me differently. I had to learn that who I am is unique, special. I work and learn, and try differently. I am not for everyone. I am for a select few.

My process and experience is, however, not unique and special. So many of us have experienced this level and distrust in others to see and hear our potential. For others to see our uniqueness and gifts as special and take them as such. When you struggle or can’t do “the things that others can”. When you are met with impatience and a lack of understanding. I have always had other goals in mind. My lens that I view that world is different. It’s not like the world now, because something needs to change. A LOT needs to change and I believe that we (the ones who are different and need a different world) are here to change it. Change it for the better and for others like us.

I have spent years doubting myself because of the trauma that I experienced. I have to learn to do these things for myself. I have to be the one to SEE me. I have to be the one to decide WHO I AM. Regardless of what is going on around me. My circumstances don’t change who I am. They don’t make me better or worse. They just ARE<

My identity and how I feel about myself now is grounding and rooted in God, and my ability to handle and face anything that comes near me. I will always be ok no matter where I am, or what I am going. No matter who I lose or gain. No matter the judgements or the penalty against me. I’m grounded and rested in peace, in a life secure. This is how I live now.

I call this Self Resiliency. The ability to control, monitor and adjust your emotions. The ability to adjust and know without a doubt who you are and where you are going. When you are grounded in this way then you can become who you were made to be. All of this leads you there. You find your way and find your path because you are on your own path moving forward. You get to choose what you will and won’t do in life. How you will and won’t be treated. Life becomes manageable, enjoyable and great! As a result of my emotional intelligence and building my self resiliency I have had greater oppourtunity approach me. I have sweeter relationships and because of this my income and wealth has increased as well!

I truly believe in this process and that it’s holistic. I would go as far to say, this work, this internal work will change your life and your families lives FOREVER> It has mine. My children have been able to grab onto this type of emotional resilience as well and their lives are better for it also. It’s amazing work and it truly takes away the years of trauma that I experienced and that I get to give my children something better than that is great!

Forgiveness

When my friend asked me if I could speak on forgiveness I didn’t think I had anything. Nothing came to mind except the subtle highlight from God - You’ve forgiven your mom multiple times and been forgiven by others as well.

Have I? I thought.

The more I thought about it - there is was.

The subtle choice driven forgiveness I’ve given her slowly over time. Forgiveness doesn’t happen in a day. You don’t go from unforgiveness to forgiveness like a checked box. You get there slowly - over time.

You let the Holy Spirit lead and nudge and guide you there on this journey to full forgiveness, inside you.

Forgiveness is hard to do - bitterness and anger is so much easier. Especially when there is a lot of pain involved. I used to blame my mother for not protecting me. I thought it was her fault. Every time I felt that pain I hated her for it. And she easily took the blame for it, she was good at that.

Truth is and was - no one was truly to blame for the pain I was in. We all experience pain in this fallen world. It was the maturity in me that allowed this belief and lens to grow. We are all in pain all the time. It’s what we do with it that matters the most.

Do we take it out on others? on ourselves? Have we let our circumstances and pain keep us from a close intimate relationships with God? I used to do this too. It turns out I had a lot of hurt and pain from my father too and I projected this onto God.

For years I could only see Him through the lens I’d created. A lens that said “You must be just like him, you’d leave me too.” Anytime I felt scared and alone I let this lens dictate my closeness, my level of intimacy with Father God.

The thing about God is, He didn’t let me stay there. Viewing Him this way. See, He knew the truth and wanted me to see it too. Not just see it but to know it. Experience it, feel it, know without a shadow of a doubt that my world view of Him was wrong - in the best way.

I have learned that God loves to go on the journey with us! It’s almost like He would say “oh this lens is no good, let’s build a new one, a better one, one that’s more realistically me. He knew who He was and that’s never changing. I’m the one who needed and could benefit from knowing and experiencing the truth.

This is intimacy with the Father!

I’ve always heard intimacy explained as “in-to-me-you-see” Intimacy is seeing someone for who they really are. This is the gift given to each and everyone of us. To experientially know the Father, YOUR Father!

It’s in these intimate places that we are made whole from the pain of this world.

It doesn’t matter what has been done to us, God can heal anything we’ve got! I love to think of Christine Cain’s story of healing from childhood sexual abuse. I won’t share much about hit because it’s her story to tell but I think of it anytime I see or hear her speak with such joy, such wisdom, such authority!

This is the power - the healing power - of God. God’s love for us. Forgiveness is a byproduct of this healing. The more my heart is healed the more open to forgiveness I am. Healing, pain, & forgiveness go hand in hand. I could stay stuck; full of unforgiveness, bitterness and strife. I could let this eat me up inside, because the reality is - the only one who feels your unforgiveness is you. The person hurting doesn’t feel your unforgiveness. The person needing to be forgiven doesn’t feel your unforgiveness.

You do. It stays inside of you. It eats away at you. That’s no way to live. Disconnected from the life available right inside of you. Psalms 4:23 says “Above all else, guard you heart, for it is the wellspring of life!” God wants to bring forth a well spring of life from me, and from you! Think about that for a moment. If that doesn’t feel real or true yet then let this be an invitation to you to start today. Let God heal the most hurting and intimate places in your heart so that you can be free from bitterness and anger. So that you can be connected to this wellspring of life growing inside of you!

As you walk along this journey remember that forgiveness gets to be a choice just like staying stuck in bitterness can be a choice too. Remember to do this first for yourself and then for them, next for everybody else near you - so you can be the person you’d want to come home to.

Forgiveness is hard to do - no one is saying it’s easy. No one is saying “just get over it!” It’s not a switch you can flip, but a process and journey to recovery that you can choose to go on & the best people do. If this is you I want to walk you through a little something if or when you are ready.

Repeat after me. There are no magic words but it’s simply a start, an invitation to heart healing and intimacy with the Lord. It goes like this:

“I’d choose to forgive my mother and father but I don’t know how to, yet. There may be a day where I’m better at this, a day where it comes more naturally to me, but I’m not there, yet. I want to grow in this area. Where forgiveness can be more natural to me. Where forgiveness flows more freely from me. As God says “Ask and you shall receive.” and “Freely give as you’ve freely be given.” I accept the forgiveness that God has for me, the forgiveness that He so freely gives me. I give this same forgiveness freely to others. I will not stand as judge and jury for someone else’s crimes, not even my own. I include myself in the freedom I so freely give to other people. I let this be a lifestyle of constant easily, readily available forgiveness.

In Jesus name! Amen”

Now go and be free.

I know that it’s not just a one prayer and done job but it’s a start. It’s a beautiful heart included start. And you have to start somewhere on this journey whether it’s your first time ever or reoccurring needs for forgiveness. You’ll get there - I know you will. Best of luck and God’s full love my friend.

Overwhelm

I just woke up this morning thinking about when I used to feel overwhelmed, all of the time.

Life was and still is sometimes..too much for me. I can't handle all the ins and outs. Especially with ADHD, especially through hard seasons like the one I'm in right now.

I'm convinced this focus on the negative is what leads most people to feelings of depression and feeling not enough. Because we are also all doing all the things..we are doing so many many things, all of the time. This is true for me too.

But I've also learned how to not fall into the overwhelm. I say it that way because there is always an invitation to feel any way you'd like. There is always an invitation to stay stuck in this overwhelming place. I learned a long time ago that feeling overwhelmed just leads to less and less getting done. It has a way of consuming you and paralyzing you. At least it did me. I couldn't or didn't know how to take the first step. With all the things that needed my attention..all the things falling behind. I didn't know where to begin.

I've learned to let myself off the hook a little bit. To take each day, each moment and season for what I can offer, what I can give. This season I haven't been able to walk for three months. Household chores, especially sweeping and mopping my kitchen have been the toughest thing to do. I even reached out to friends to ask "would you please come mop my floors?!?" I can't do it. It not defeat, but it's realistic.

I got to let myself focus on what this season could and needed to look like for me. I ordered out more than ever, I even ordered my groceries. I think I ordered all my Christmas presents from Amazon, thank you Amazon. I let the kids decorate the tree and showed up for what I could, when I could. It's been an eye opening, humbling seasons where I got to choose to love myself really well.

That also looked like not allowing myself to feel overwhelmed. I had to have this shift that "my best is enough right now" (One of my favorite speakers shares on this as well, Abi Stumvol)

That doesn't mean that I didn't have goals, I ended up writing another book for goodness sake! It didn't mean that I let myself do nothing or not care. In the opposite, I let myself have realistic goals. I still made checklists (I LOVE checklists) I still dreamt with the Lord. I still thought about the future and used this time to prepare myself and my heart internally. I still showed up to life, it just looked different. (Practically I let myself prioritize things I could do. I made checklists and I took the timeline off, I let myself takes weeks or even longer to do this)

I let myself give what I could that day, and decided that was enough. That my body healing, whether it's from depression or a physical healing was just as important. That I desired for my house to be clean and for my to-do list to be done but I wasn't going to beat myself up about it. I wasn't going to feel overwhelmed and stuck because I needed to rest or tend to my body that day.

I had to ask myself why is there so much pressure? Because I wouldn't feel overwhelmed unless there was this pressure to perform. This pressure to have it all done, or get it all done. This pressure to have a cleaned house and groceries, and home cooked meals and enough time with my family, oh and don't forget to move your body and not be lazy..make enough money and contribute to society. Some of it is my own internal sense of worth was hanging on these things. Like an internal checklist of worthiness that only got to be checked off once everything was done and right. That place never comes. Some of it is old programming from our families and society.

I've also learned a long time ago to "cheat the system" What I mean is, if I am striving for excellence to prove my worth. Or if I'm striving to reach some place where I finally "get to be loved" I've learned to stop and give those things to myself anyway. Did you hear me? I STOP. Physically stop sometimes, and place my hand on my heart.

And I GIVE HER THE VERY THING SHE IS WANTING AND DESIRING.

To be loved. I've learned that I can control my emotions in a way that I can feel anyway that I want to. So why not feel loved, feel good enough because I say I am good enough for love. BECAUSE GOD SAYS I'm good enough for love. He doesn't say make sure all your things are done and then I'll love you. He says you're a child of God and I love you. Go and love others the way I love you. It's all love, not chores. Not performing, not perfect. Not striving.

My floor was so gross some days. I would have hated you to see it. I would have hated that my laundry room was covered, COVERED, with clothes. (I couldn't walk downstairs to do them) and some of you might stay here, some of you might not be able to give this up. Really it's this partnership with conditional love. One that uses punishment to perform, because that's all overwhelm is. It's a fear that I won't get what I need if I don't perform right.

I see it in my students all of the time. My favorite thing to tell them is "don't get overwhelmed, nothing happens if you fail. Nothing happens if you don't understand this science concept, right away or ever. You don't die. You just move on, then one day you get it. Or not, but even then it's ok" You are still a person worthy of love. Good enough for love. No matter the circumstance.

How do you heal from depression?

Steps out of depression with or without antidepressants.  

1. Start being yourself. So often we don’t want to be ourselves so we lock that person away and learn to be someone new. This causes depression. I think of it like this, somewhere deep inside of me is my true self and that self is the one that is sad. I left her behind and I need to go get her, to pick her up and start loving her again. This can be a slow process but it’s doable. Change the gears and stop the pretending. Choose love for yourself.

2. Get moving. Every time I was depressed I would stop moving. I would lay around and sleep more, a whole lot more. Sleeping more made me more tired and I would..you guessed it, sleep more. The more I slept the more depressed and tired I would be and so forth. Depression can physically hurt your body, not just your soul. So be gentle and be careful with yourself as you start to move your body. Any movement is fine and lovely. Go for a walk, take a bath, swim, and sit in the sunshine. I know some of that isn’t a lot of movement but it’s a start, we aren’t becoming olympic athletes here. We are just moving our body back to life! 

3. Be gentle and careful with yourself. It’s so easy to feel ashamed about your depression, for so many reasons. Often people and our society send the wrong message. People that care about us but don’t know what to do. The worst thing you can do is to treat yourself like you are bad or wrong and not good. You are good, you are enough AND you are just going through a deficiency. It’s ok to acknowledge this weakness and the fact that you don’t want to stay there. 

4. Don’t avoid the fact that you are feeling depressed, and don’t use it as an excuse. Think of it like this, if you had a broken leg you would acknowledge that you had a broken leg. There may be things you don’t do for a moment, accommodations that you put in place, extra things you need to do. Or something you choose not to do altogether. It’s the same for depression although people can’t see it, and you not acknowledging it won’t help. 

5. Treat it if and when needed for as long as is needed. Do anything you can to help yourself succeed in this area. See a therapist, take meds for a short time or for a while. Seek out friendships and people to be around you. Take on a new hobby. Move your body, sit in the sun. All these things will help you. 

6. It may sound silly but do things that you love. There is a part of depression that is chemical, or hormonal. When your body doesn't make enough or have enough of these hormones it can create a depressed state. You can get these hormones naturally by doing the things that you love to do, all of the time. Fill your life to the max with all the things, every little thing that you love to do and your body will follow. Sometimes you have to do it before you feel like it. That’s maturity and growth. You may not feel like seeing someone or feel like moving your body but do it anyway, the feeling will follow. 

7. Seek things that care for your body. You may love youtube or social media but I’d encourage you that it’s better for your body and mental state to be with someone, in the physical. Maybe start a after work drink or dinner time with coworkers, branch out and reach out to someone you haven’t seen in awhile. Choose to make good food instead of microwave snacks. The first few days are the hardest but I would always remember this quote “A body in motion stays in motion, a body in rest stays in rest” I knew if I just got over the hump then it would become so much easier for myself to continue. 

8. Celebrate the small and big wins. Did you get out of bed today? Great. Did you brush your teeth? Did you do anything you were supposed to do? Amazing. You are a work in progress.

9. Don’t compare yourself to someone who isn’t struggling with this or even compare to a time when you were struggling with this same thing. It’s ok that you are going through this right now and will come out on the other side. When you are through it you will do some of the same things too. For now acknowledge what you can do and end it there. This is the part where you are gentle with yourself.

10. Talk to God about how he feels about you, make sure your perspective is a kingdom perspective. Lots of this is physical and mental but sometimes it’s spiritual. Do you know what God thinks about you? Ask Him. Wait until you hear, sense or see an answer. Begin by thinking you are a child of God and that’s enough for you to belong here and matter to the world. We need you and you need to feel the best that you can feel. I feel you and I’m with you on this journey to seeing yourself as the wonderful person you. If this isn’t your perspective then your perspective needs to change.

    Take care. 

Worth set from above

Once I caught that my worth was set from above, it changed me. It healed my heart. I no longer strive to achieve things not meant for me. I stopped trying to be something that I am not. I am not so many things. But I am things too. I am a beautiful wife(not currently) and mother, teacher and friend. I love God with all my heart. Which I thought might have been hard to do.

For a long time I wondered if I could love. If I could open my heart again. I had been hurt so many times. I thought that I was unloveable and that I wasn’t capable of true love either. And maybe I wasn’t. At least the unconditional love that I know now. I had to learn love. I had to learn all the ins and outs. How this love operated was not how the love that I knew operated. I hadn’t know this love. I wanted to. I wanted so desperately know this kind of love. Deep in my soul. I wondered if this kind of love existed.

Was I enough for someone? Would someone find me worthy and worth it?

My love, the love I knew did different things. It made you work for more. It made you seem like not enough, like you would always be reaching for more. Reaching for enough-ness. Always looking outside of you to prove your worth and value. To have something to point to. This love said “see here, I did something. I do things and I own things. I work. I am this and that.” This love was conditional. It ebbed and flowed. It was here one day and gone the next. It wasn’t stable and kind. It made you measure up. Constantly measuring you to your worth. I was exhausted. If I hadn’t “earned” it by now then I never would.

I wasn’t some famous, millionaire but I had gone to college and volunteered and lived selflessly. I had provided for my children and moved cities. I had started over again and again. After divorce, after each breakup or job end. Always looking forward to the prize. The place that I thought I had to be, to “get there”.

I was searching for my worth. Or at least running from what I thought my worth was set at. As a child I thought I was worthless unless I was doing something. I thought that my worth and value had to come from something. If I wasn’t cleaning or cooking then I was doing an activity or sport. I was meeting up with friends or hanging out with the family. I didn’t have any down time. There wasn’t value in it. I had to keep going. I had to fill this hole, this void that said I was not enough. As a young adult I ran hard at things. Often taking on too much, more than I could handle for sure. I thought that I had to be super women and nothing less. I couldn’t slow down, much less stop.

What was it all for? My friends didn’t think any less of me. I still got divorced anyway. I still had amazing kids and lived in beautiful homes. But this hole inside. Something I could not shake. This desire for more. For something to fill me. To tell me that I was worth it.

God lifts my eyes to meet His. He lifts my eyes off my situation. Off my works and what I can do and says “I set your worth”.

Your worth is set above.

That was it. His kind, gentle truth. None of these things decide your worth and value to me. “I set your worth”.

Rythms of rest

If you’re like me it’s hard to rest. Really rest. I’m talking internal rest in who you are and who you belong to. There is a type of safety that comes from knowing you are the one that He loves.

I find myself struggling to rest on days that I know that I need to. Not because it’s hard but it presses on those internal heart issues. It presses on the button of not enough, worthless and lazy, for me.

I told taught growing up that if you didn’t work you didn’t eat. If you didn’t work then you didn’t have money. It also meant that something was wrong with you and you were lazy, entitled.

But it’s not true at all!

Yes, it’s important for us to work. And I bet in the big picture you wouldn’t have some of these things if you never worked at all. Working is good for the soul! It gives us something to contribute and to be proud of. It gives us a sense of purpose and a purpose fulfilled.

Rest is important too. It not only allows you to recoup and rejuvenate. It allows you to recover from what you were just working on and it prepares you for the rhythm of work you are about to enter into. Rest is important. Not only that, rest reminds you that you are not what you do.

Rest reminds you that your worth and value aren’t in what you do and can do. They aren’t built in your ability. Rest points you to the father. To dependence on Him and His provision of your next steps. It’s a daily reminder to surrender. That you can’t possibly do what He has for you on your own.

We were never supposed to be fulfilled and to fulfill His work on our own. Resting reminds us that we are dependent and that is right where we need to be. Held by the father. In His great plan and in His hands. Him, all knowing of the future and steps you will take.

Slow down He tells me, be patient. It will come. For now, enjoy the ride. Do what you are supposed to daily and it will come to you. It has to, it’s meant for you.

So I learn to lean in to rest. Internal and external. I teach my heart to rest in His security and my body to rest from it’s busyness. I teach my heart to reframe the words “lazy” to hope filled future dependent on God. You are wise, you know internally what your soul and spirit need. You live dependently on the one who made you and you will know what to do in what season to do it.

But for now, soul, rest my dear friend, and replenish your soul for the next go around. You deserve all that is coming to you. In time, my dear friend. Now rest.

Am I really still here?

I don’t know about you but this healing journey is hard. Facing all of the demons you have carried. All the pain points and belief systems. I know, I have been on this journey for quite some time now, 8+ years. 8+ years of intense inner healing and shifting of belief systems.

It’s been good too. Good things have come from this journey of choosing into healing for myself and my family.

But I still wonder, Am I really still here?

Even through all the goodness, all the transformation, healing and growth. I still feel little, still feel stuck sometimes. Those old familar lies want to creep up and keep me hidden. To say “no one wants to hear your journey or story.” It all feels so massive an overwhelming.

But then I remember that there is no place that I am trying to “get to”. There is no destination, only more healing and hope. I don’t have to reach some level that says that I am good enough. That I am far enough for love now. I already am, good enough for love.

I was all along. The healing is extra. The healing is transformative and hope filled. It causes growth and keeps you going. It’s the light in the end of the tunnel that says “there is so much more”, more healing, yes! But more freedom, more hope. More goodness through all of it. So I remember to keep going. That God’s promises aren’t fully fulfilled yet, there is more to my story and my journey. There is more for me to do. Because I get to. Because I now know who I am and what I bring to the world.

And I will get there. To the place that I have been looking for. The place I long for. And I will find there too that I am loved, and enough. I will find celebration and joy that I made it but discover that I had everything that I needed all along.

The love of myself and my father, the one in Heaven that knows, wants more connection and more for me too.

What rockclimbing taught me

My kids wanted to go rockclimbing and I wanted to stay inline with my values and intention I set for this year. The year was 2023, and for my new year’s intention, I wanted to spend more time with my kids. I wanted to quit what I was doing when they wanted and needed connection, and I wanted to prioritize fun activities with them.

So we went.

I wasn’t against the idea. I had also had this desire to climb recently. I have been listening to my body for years and what it needed in whatever season I was in. This season apparently I wanted to climb, to build strength and to conquer! (I also have been wanting to play basketball. Which is so not like me. I haven’t play the sport since middle school, but I honored my body and bought a ball anyway-let’s see where this takes me)

I had so much confidence up until the time we went climbing. I hadn’t spent much time thinking about how it would be. Although I did know some of my limits. I am a bigger size than I have been in recent years and haven’t been building strength, so I knew where I’d start.

I realized quickly that I was about to learn so many things. Not about rockclimbing per se, but about myself and my relationship to uncertainty, trust, and feeling insecure.

I first felt insecure. There were other people there and they knew what they were doing. They would quickly discover that I did not. Second, was lack of trust. At first it was lack of trust in that rope to catch me! I figure it could catch my daughter but I wondered, at my weight? Would it be there? I quickly realized that this was not about the rope at all but about my ability to trust. To trust the world around me and to trust myself again. I realized that I had not been living life fully. I had not been putting myself out there. Risking insecurity and failure. Being seen by other people.

I tested the strength durability of the rope. I climbed up and tested it over and over again. Until I gained some confidence that I could climb higher and it would be there. How many of us experienced a world were this safety wasn’t created? I know that this was a reflection of my childhood. Quesitoning if I was going to be caught or left to fall alone.

Following my desire to climb and conquer, I started to free climb a free standing boulder. I was focused and confident climbing to the top but then fear set in. Sitting onto of the boulder. The smoot top that had no handles to hold onto. I was instantly afraid. I realized I didn’t trust myself. I had been living a different way my whole life. Trying to be something that I am not. Trying to do things like other people do them. Not building trust in my ability, in what I could do.

I sat there afraid. Looking around at all the other people. Hoping they all didn’t notice too much. Trying to build confidence in myself. I heard God say “Trust yourself again” I looked over the edge for the path down and began to climb down. I asked for help from some teen boys standing near by. If they could guide my foot. They did. It turns out I was closer than I thought. And that I could do more than I thought. I remembered that day that I could build confidence in other areas of my life too and start to trust myself again.