Trauma and the brain

My brain took over.

Anytime I was triggered I would revert back to the same old narrative and story line. “I’m not good enough, everyone hates me, I shouldn’t even try” This became my tag line. Anytime I failed I would remember that I wasn’t good enough. I would spiral into depression and lifelessness. I couldn’t handle the amount of pressure that life puts on you. Especially at such a young age. I became a mother very young and from there I have been relearning how to parent, how to become who you were meant to be. I spent years wandering through the wilderness, not knowing who I was and where I was going. Life seemed to bog me down. I was in constant fear of failure, fear of the past, fear of the future. I didn’t think I had what it takes to keep going. I would give up before I even tried. Even worse, I didn’t want to let anyone else see me fail, or try and fail. So I kept myself hidden. I kept my thoughts and burdens hidden. I pretending that I had it all together and would shape shift and make myself into anything that anyone wanted me to be.

I lacked boundaries and even seeing myself as good in the first place. You have to have boundaries to protect yourself but if you don’t think you are worth protecting then you won’t create those boundaries in the first place. This was where I was. I knew that I needed to set them, I knew that I probably deserved them but didn’t know how to do this. It all started with me. My relationship to myself. I had to fix this first. That’s why I always talk about finding yourself and healing that relationship dynamic. All other relationships will flow out of the relationship with yourself.

I have found this time and time again. My healing and progress has always moved in cycles. I would get a better image of myself and start building a life that I loved. I would be doing great and feeling great and then something would happen. I would have a phone call with my mother or lose my position at work. Something like this would spiral me back into all the old thought patterns and beliefs. I would feel worthless and not enough all over again. I would spend months not trying or not believing in myself. My relationships and parenting would suffer because of this. I didn’t know who I was without the external success or trying to be something I am not. These beliefs come from trauma. These experiences that shape us. The ones that tell us that we aren’t good enough for someone else. Those experiences make it hard to get over it or to keep trying. It’s hard to want to put yourself out there all the time when you are getting little in return. I know this first hand. My cycles always end with myself and begin there too. They begin and end with my self talk, belief in myself, my self image and who I think I am regardless of who sees me differently. I had to learn that who I am is unique, special. I work and learn, and try differently. I am not for everyone. I am for a select few.

My process and experience is, however, not unique and special. So many of us have experienced this level and distrust in others to see and hear our potential. For others to see our uniqueness and gifts as special and take them as such. When you struggle or can’t do “the things that others can”. When you are met with impatience and a lack of understanding. I have always had other goals in mind. My lens that I view that world is different. It’s not like the world now, because something needs to change. A LOT needs to change and I believe that we (the ones who are different and need a different world) are here to change it. Change it for the better and for others like us.

I have spent years doubting myself because of the trauma that I experienced. I have to learn to do these things for myself. I have to be the one to SEE me. I have to be the one to decide WHO I AM. Regardless of what is going on around me. My circumstances don’t change who I am. They don’t make me better or worse. They just ARE<

My identity and how I feel about myself now is grounding and rooted in God, and my ability to handle and face anything that comes near me. I will always be ok no matter where I am, or what I am going. No matter who I lose or gain. No matter the judgements or the penalty against me. I’m grounded and rested in peace, in a life secure. This is how I live now.

I call this Self Resiliency. The ability to control, monitor and adjust your emotions. The ability to adjust and know without a doubt who you are and where you are going. When you are grounded in this way then you can become who you were made to be. All of this leads you there. You find your way and find your path because you are on your own path moving forward. You get to choose what you will and won’t do in life. How you will and won’t be treated. Life becomes manageable, enjoyable and great! As a result of my emotional intelligence and building my self resiliency I have had greater oppourtunity approach me. I have sweeter relationships and because of this my income and wealth has increased as well!

I truly believe in this process and that it’s holistic. I would go as far to say, this work, this internal work will change your life and your families lives FOREVER> It has mine. My children have been able to grab onto this type of emotional resilience as well and their lives are better for it also. It’s amazing work and it truly takes away the years of trauma that I experienced and that I get to give my children something better than that is great!