Overwhelm

I just woke up this morning thinking about when I used to feel overwhelmed, all of the time.

Life was and still is sometimes..too much for me. I can't handle all the ins and outs. Especially with ADHD, especially through hard seasons like the one I'm in right now.

I'm convinced this focus on the negative is what leads most people to feelings of depression and feeling not enough. Because we are also all doing all the things..we are doing so many many things, all of the time. This is true for me too.

But I've also learned how to not fall into the overwhelm. I say it that way because there is always an invitation to feel any way you'd like. There is always an invitation to stay stuck in this overwhelming place. I learned a long time ago that feeling overwhelmed just leads to less and less getting done. It has a way of consuming you and paralyzing you. At least it did me. I couldn't or didn't know how to take the first step. With all the things that needed my attention..all the things falling behind. I didn't know where to begin.

I've learned to let myself off the hook a little bit. To take each day, each moment and season for what I can offer, what I can give. This season I haven't been able to walk for three months. Household chores, especially sweeping and mopping my kitchen have been the toughest thing to do. I even reached out to friends to ask "would you please come mop my floors?!?" I can't do it. It not defeat, but it's realistic.

I got to let myself focus on what this season could and needed to look like for me. I ordered out more than ever, I even ordered my groceries. I think I ordered all my Christmas presents from Amazon, thank you Amazon. I let the kids decorate the tree and showed up for what I could, when I could. It's been an eye opening, humbling seasons where I got to choose to love myself really well.

That also looked like not allowing myself to feel overwhelmed. I had to have this shift that "my best is enough right now" (One of my favorite speakers shares on this as well, Abi Stumvol)

That doesn't mean that I didn't have goals, I ended up writing another book for goodness sake! It didn't mean that I let myself do nothing or not care. In the opposite, I let myself have realistic goals. I still made checklists (I LOVE checklists) I still dreamt with the Lord. I still thought about the future and used this time to prepare myself and my heart internally. I still showed up to life, it just looked different. (Practically I let myself prioritize things I could do. I made checklists and I took the timeline off, I let myself takes weeks or even longer to do this)

I let myself give what I could that day, and decided that was enough. That my body healing, whether it's from depression or a physical healing was just as important. That I desired for my house to be clean and for my to-do list to be done but I wasn't going to beat myself up about it. I wasn't going to feel overwhelmed and stuck because I needed to rest or tend to my body that day.

I had to ask myself why is there so much pressure? Because I wouldn't feel overwhelmed unless there was this pressure to perform. This pressure to have it all done, or get it all done. This pressure to have a cleaned house and groceries, and home cooked meals and enough time with my family, oh and don't forget to move your body and not be lazy..make enough money and contribute to society. Some of it is my own internal sense of worth was hanging on these things. Like an internal checklist of worthiness that only got to be checked off once everything was done and right. That place never comes. Some of it is old programming from our families and society.

I've also learned a long time ago to "cheat the system" What I mean is, if I am striving for excellence to prove my worth. Or if I'm striving to reach some place where I finally "get to be loved" I've learned to stop and give those things to myself anyway. Did you hear me? I STOP. Physically stop sometimes, and place my hand on my heart.

And I GIVE HER THE VERY THING SHE IS WANTING AND DESIRING.

To be loved. I've learned that I can control my emotions in a way that I can feel anyway that I want to. So why not feel loved, feel good enough because I say I am good enough for love. BECAUSE GOD SAYS I'm good enough for love. He doesn't say make sure all your things are done and then I'll love you. He says you're a child of God and I love you. Go and love others the way I love you. It's all love, not chores. Not performing, not perfect. Not striving.

My floor was so gross some days. I would have hated you to see it. I would have hated that my laundry room was covered, COVERED, with clothes. (I couldn't walk downstairs to do them) and some of you might stay here, some of you might not be able to give this up. Really it's this partnership with conditional love. One that uses punishment to perform, because that's all overwhelm is. It's a fear that I won't get what I need if I don't perform right.

I see it in my students all of the time. My favorite thing to tell them is "don't get overwhelmed, nothing happens if you fail. Nothing happens if you don't understand this science concept, right away or ever. You don't die. You just move on, then one day you get it. Or not, but even then it's ok" You are still a person worthy of love. Good enough for love. No matter the circumstance.